May 26: More work to do

Today was a day of blows, if I’m honest. It was also another day of heat, high humidity and hills. The blows were 3-fold: a friend shared a cancer diagnosis and surgery planned for early June; my book submission was rejected; what I thought was a job opportunity turned out to be something of a pay-to-play scam (for which, I didn’t fall, but on which I wasted time and peace of mind).

My interest in the non-role laid bare that I am still not really at peace with my own inconsequence, impotence (which is something I have been working hard on, now, for 4 years). The rejection of my book revealed the submission for what it was: an attempt to side-step my irrelevance by trying to assert a relevance elsewhere (cultural).

I do not know why I am so resistant to the important lesson of true humility. I do clearly see that the world is completely fine, thriving without me and hasn’t noticed any loss in my withdrawal/disbarment/absent from it. I know that was probably always true (and I suspect the larger lesson is that nothing I have ever done has mattered, but that is much to daunting a topic to tackle as yet. I’m still struggling with being unable to give/contribute/”matter” going forward, let alone in a position to take an honest “inventory” of the past).

Today has shown me that I am somehow so less far along on this journey than I hoped to be. My hurt, disappointment are evidence of that. It is a lesson. When the pupil is ready, the teacher will appear. I suspect that I needed this truth-telling to move forward in the work of rooting out my ego. My job now is to walk with it, without distraction or excuses, to try to use this opportunity to learn what the Universe has been yelling at me for these last years. I am grateful.

We are staying in a charming hotel in the middle of a good-sized town today. We had a day of “solitude together”. We were on a “Variant” route today, and saw only 2 other walkers throughout our journey. Then, at dinner, we had our own table, just the 2 of us. Sometimes, that can be restorative in its own way.

We did have a chance meeting (at Beer O’Clock down by the bridge, where we were sitting under an umbrella with a cold local beer). 2 French walkers with whom we shared communal tables three times, strolled by. They had judged that the heat would kill them today (7 have already died in the heatwave here) and took a taxi. They were fresh, unsweaty and strolling “as tourists” (not pilgrims) in search of a proper lunch and saw us (sweaty, unfresh, pilgrimesque). They have no English, so we have developed a pidgeon (with mime) that has served us well. It was a nice reminder that, with good will, cultural and language barriers can give way to warm interactions.

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Inspired by our 2024 Camino Francais, Karen has a periodic podcast called "I sent you a bloody boat", personal thoughts on faith by a person who believes in thinking. Also, known as "The Reluctant Christian". You can listen to it on Spotify and on Apple Podcasts at: